chapter 14: :D

i am not confused.
life is good.

chapter 13: confusion never was a girl's best friend.

and i know that, because
i feel confused.
like all the thoughts are whirring
round and round my head
like raspberry ripple icecream.
(the stuff in adverts, at least:
because when you get it home, it's shit)

right,
there's this boy at school
who i likenotlike.
and it's well confusing.

i'm sure that in the past, i've promised myself,
never again! will some silly boy or girl mess me up,
but what can i say, fools never learn!!

well, let's get started,
and try to sort out some of these thoughts.

this boy is in several of my lessons,
and i sit near him and we talk a lot during one.
and i feel like i've sort of fallen for him

and it seems weird!
because i don't know if i actually do like him.
because, i think of him a lot,
but it's not in a romantic way at all.
the thought of being even the vaguest bit romantic with him,
well, it's just plain weird to even thinkit.

i definitely don't feel the way i ever felt for
the boy-who's-too-pretty-for-his-own-good,
and can't even be compared to the way i ever
felt about candy.

and perhaps that has something to do with it.
because the boy-who's-too-pretty has been a total dick to me lately,
and i know that candy and i will just never happen, never work.
it seems weird to not fancy anybody,
and sometimes i've felt so cold that i could just curl up and eat through my ribs
into my heart, because it wasn't needed anymore,
and being miserable just makes me hungry.
so it could well be that i've just fallen for anybody who's even remotely friendly to me.
just to fill that void.
i mean, i was even confused about how i felt about connerchameleon a few weeks ago,
but that's another story for another time.

and idk.

and it could be that, i don't actually feel anything for him,
but i'm just worried that i do, so that makes me feel like i actually do.
it's weird to explain, but i know what i mean, and it's not the first time it's happened.

and i also have a vague worry that the reason i don't want to accept if i do like him
is based purely on shallow reasons.
i mean, it seems ridiculous because i don't think i'm a shallow person.
looks have never meant anything to me.
the person i've cared most about, i'd say love but i risk a lawsuit, i never actually found good looking.
i mean, do not get me wrong, people, he certainly wasn't ugly and i would NEVER have described him as so, but he wasn't my usual type. i usually fancied boys purely based on physical attractiveness never mind their personalities. but then, that could have been because i'd never been close enough to a boy before candy to fall for their personality.
excuse me for going off on a tangent
(i love that word)
and i'd try to get back on the tracks, but i don't know what to say these days.

but idk.
i'll have to see how it goes.
i imagine i'll work out if i like him or not as time passes.

thing is, i wanted to talk about my confusion,
so i tried talking to girl-alex,
but we couldn't talk properly because she just found it hilarious.
i made her swear not to tell anyone,
but it didn't stop her from shouting out in the middle of the form room,
"oh, there's this guy rhiannon fancies, i want to tell you who it is but i'm not allowed!"
so i've had EVERYBODY on my case, asking me who it is!!
i didn't want to tell anybody else about it because i don't want too many people knowing,
because then it'll get out and around and FFS i don't want anybody to know!!
so boobs would have felt hurt if i hadn't told her who it was, so i felt obliged to tell her.
she refused to talk to me if i didn't.
and i begged her not to take the piss, then told her.
she started wetting herself with laughter,
and now refers to me as
"rhiannon **coughfancies-thisboy'sname-**"

grr,
i rather wish i'd told conner now,
because at least he knows when to keep his mouth shut.

gosh.

my step father is the biggest twat.

i'm staying here tonight because he's been an abusive bully to my mother.
he's so horrific when he's drunk.

chapter 11:ugh. what a shite, shite week.

but i've talked about it so much over the past few days, i don't even want to now.

not as beautiful as the butterflies.

the pavements glittered in the night,
where you'd danced, and where the snow
had fallen since and turned to ice.

(i watched the children play as i stared out,
sitting on my front porch,
feet on a well-worn paving slab,
wond'ring why i'm shaking,
why this midnight mem'ry makes me cry)

was it last week, that the boy i love
said that he had wings?
and i watched him smile under a streetlight,
ignorant and wonderful as his shadow grew feathers,
panes of cracked glass, lip prints on a
wine glass, his shoulderblades escaping out his skin
out into a hole between the clouds above our heads,

and his fingers lifted out of mine,

we're not all meant to step out with the movie stars
we're not all meant to touch the gods,
we're not all meant to kiss the lips of saints
or dance with the angels at heaven's gates,
because we're only moths inside the creases
we're only roaches on the piss-stained walls
we're only maggots in our own corpses,
we're only lice inside the woodgrain,
and in the roots bursting out the earth,
some of us were just born parasites,
not as beautiful as the butterflies,

not as beautiful as you, no,
we can't slice open our silk cocoons
and turn them into swan wings,
a silhouette against the sunrise,
go out into the sky and find love,
couldn't find love like you could

not like we did,
when stars formed on the pavement beneath us, and you,
holding me, like i could fly too.

chapter 10:happy new year! or is it happy birthday? i can never remember...

resolutions:
appreciate myself
follow my dreams
keep smiling


"I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you,

so listen up the sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feelin
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet..."
-"hear me out" frou frou

so fuck it, that's 2006, done and dusted.
and it's been one hell of a year.
guess i've finally grown up.

this year i learnt a lot of things.

this year i learnt the difference between dreams and reality
(and how much more i prefer the former:
who says i can't live on pluto, huh?)

this year i got hurt, really hurt, for the first time.

in december 2005 i fell for a boy.
and in may, he told me that he'd fallen for me too.

but.we.fucked.up.

and we fell out of love.
part of me, yeah, doesn't want to go into this, not now, because it's in the past.
but it's the most important thing that really happened this year, so i will.
he wouldn't let me tell anybody we were "going out".
he never touched me, never held my hand or kissed me.
by the end of the second week, he was close enough to ignoring me completely.
but it took him another three weeks to actually chuck me.
a girl i know told me he cheated on me.

we didn't talk for a long long while.
then finally i asked him, yknow, could we put it behind us and be friends again?
and he said yeah.
we have spoken since but not much.
the atmosphere's still kinda...tense.
i expect things will be ok.

but if it's not, it doesn't matter.
as a certain irish tranny
(who's taught me a lot)
once said,
"you're putting yourself in for plenty of disappointment if you expect people to hang around for very long in this life!"
things change.
candy cut his hair,
and i'm not that same sad shy girl who hated herself.
people change.

another thing i've learnt this year is,
i'm really not so bad!!
i don't think i'm ugly
i don't think i'm fat
in fact, i think i'm pretty fabulous!
you only get the body you're born with
the soul you're born with
yeah, you can change it, but you're still you
so you'd better make the most of it!!

said irish tranny also taught me that you shouldn't take life so seriously.
i want to have fun
i want to make the most of life
and i want to do what i want.
it's not up to my parents to decide what i'm going to take in sixth form, in college.
if i fuck up then i fuck up,
and i'll sort myself out.

i hope i'm never perfect.
perfect is boring.
it's the imperfections that make a person interesting.
even the most beautiful thing in the world needs a smear of ugliness,
otherwise it would just make you gag.

i don't want to be another background character.

true love doesn't matter to me anymore.

i love my family and friends,
but i'm very happy to be on my own.
there's a difference between "loneliness" and "aloneness".

i learnt the single most important thing this year.
always, always ALWAYS be true to yourself.

other people mean nothing,
their opinions meant NOWT.
appreciate yourself for who you are
dress how you want
do your make up how you want
it's the greatest way to be!
if you're a boy and you feel like putting on lipstick,
if you want to wear fairy lights in your hair,
if you want to wear bright orange platforms,
well do it!
people might not like it, but they're not you.

words like "freak" and "ugly" mean nothing to me, not anymore.
i don't need anybody else to like the way i look or think i'm beautiful.
i think i'm beautiful.
i'm totally comfortable within myself.

i am totally happy. :)

hotel room.

china doll wondered, why such a plain room looked so beautiful tonight. maybe she was just sick of normal beauty.

or maybe it was something else. somebody else. somebody who was so beautiful they lit up wherever they were like a lava lamp, made it glow.

the paint on the walls was the colour of crumpled tissues and the carpet was dull beige but comfortable under her toes. the light was warm and cast cinnamon shadows. these colours reminded her of the smell of champagne.

everywhere she went she romanticised it, made it dangerous and exciting, and a daydream came to her; this place is where psycho girls would stay, who'd cut their hair like monroe and stroke the bed with their knife nails. where they'd scream and bite at the ceiling, trying to be fabulous.

she looked at the cracking wall, the floor where their footprints had been, the tea-candle yellow light. the boy in black on the bed, like an oil-wing butterfly, an ipod in his hand.

no, she thought, this is not the place for a rockstar.

sitting with him was like sitting on snow with her bare thighs, but heated beds always made her feel ill.

she touched the off-white sheets and thought, this is not the place for a normal boy, or a girl like me.

she hooked a headphone in the shell whorl of her ear, and listened with him to fingers thrusting piano keys through the air like a life depended on it, and a girl whose soaring feather voice sang of beauty and hiding and love and falling.

the music in the room that night was shades of brown and cream, subtle and gentle in her ears, on her face, and on her lips-

china doll broke away and escaped to the bathroom, where the light shone soft on the dull tiles and the mirror, where she looked at herself, at her cheekbones under long soft eyelash shadows, at how pretty she felt right then. at her soft pink mouth.

his kiss had surprised her, and she stared at her skin in the mirror for a long time.

she went back to the bedroom when she was convinced that the girl with navajo white flesh and lemon cream hair was really her, and took off her jeans.

she slept through the night in his arms, tangled in the headphone wire and the music that played through it until morning.

chapter 9:you exploded in my heart.

"when we made love you used to cry,
you said:
i love you like the stars above,
i love you till i die"
- "Romeo and Juliet" Dire Straits

love love LOVE this lyric and song!!

omg @ candy's hair.
(almost tempted to start calling him samson,)

and not much has happened.
got the internet at my mammy's house,
and handed in my art coursework.
i was so scared, i practically just shoved it on her desk and ran out of the room!!
i don't think she appreciates realism, especially BAD realism.
but w/e.

yadahyah.
bloody bored.
and my brother is being a shit.

chow.

chapter 8:i loved you first.

"and the hist'ry boks forgot about us,
and the bible never mentioned us..."
- "samson" regina spektor.

he was my sweetest downfall, after all.

i discovered last night, that he hates me even more than i thought.
even now. five months! you'd think that was long enough for him to stop being mad at me.

well, if he wants to be a wanker.

-

i'm kind of sad.

but of course, there's always the chance that
no
he doesn't hate me
but i won't know till i ask him.
that might be monday.

chapter 7: remember harbor boulevard

"remember harbor boulevard,
the dreaming days where the mess was made?"
- "cool" gwen stefani

i don't much like gwen stefani,
but i love this song and i love this lyric.

becauseidoremember.

i contemplated today how many calories were in a single m&m,
then i thought,
i'm quite stupid really.

music: "durch den monsun" tokio hotel

god, i think i'm in love with bill kaulitz.
looking at his face is enough to make me want to swoon into a crumpled heap,
he's so beautiful i could die.

i was just waiting for sims 2 to finish installing. i might go on it in a minute.

you know,
i was reading now magazine,
and they had this picture of marianne berglund.
they called her "the living skeleton".
maybe i'm delusional, but she looks perfectly healthy to me.
in fact, i do quite envy her figure.
envyenvy.

BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

the latest craze, i've noticed, is bashing thin people.
i agree, it's sad that girls do starve themselves.
i do it.
but i'm not stupid! i'm not trying to get down to some ridiculous weight.
i'm not anorexic.
i'm not in denial. i know i'm thin,
but hey, i still wanna be thinner.
7.5 stone, and i'll be a happy bunny and won't go any further.
besides, i could never give up dairy milks.

chapter 6:the smile when you tore me apart.

"Sparkling angel I believed
You were my savoir in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn’t hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they would turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Sparkling angel, I couldn't see
Your dark intentions, your feelings for me.
Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I’ll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they would turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end.
This world may have failed you,
it doesn’t give you reason why.
You could have chosen a different path in life.
The smile when you tore me apart.
You took my heart,
deceived me right from the start.
You showed me dreams,
I wished they would turn into real.
You broke the promise and made me realize.
It was all just a lie.
Could have been forever.
Now we have reached the end. "

(i copied-and-pasted this from letssingit.com
i changed one spelling error in it, but i couldn't be bothered to go through it all)
anyway, i just posted this because it reminds me a little bit of candy.
what candy did. that sounds like a book title or summink.
whatever.

i can't be bothered with anything today. i'm in a pretty shitty mood.

chapter 5:like indecision to call you.

music: "i miss you" blink 182.

greeeat day.
york. i know i shop too much, but it was fun.
charlotte, alex, sam, james.
it was ace!

in new look, i found a top that gave me boobs!!
it was strange experience.
i have little in the way of boobs.
they shrunk.
i was bigger when i was 11.
hmm.

and and,
we were all wearing masks in claires.

and we had a make up fight in superdrug.
now THAT was funny.
we put make up on james.
"oo, glittery eyeshadow. suits you, sir."
and sam had stripes on her face.

and we bought milkshakes.
james spat it out on the pavement. silly boy.

ooooh, lots of stuff happened.
fabulous day, darlings.

chapter 4: apple pie milkshakes and ginger boys.

so, today i fully went shopping, with like a million quid to spend.
fifty really.
i like to spend money.
i so should have been paris hilton,
(who by the way, has done a good song).

music: "resublimity" kotoko.
lovelove.

anyway, i went in with alex, who is just darling.
we went to new look, where i bought a gorgeous corset that really quite emphasis the fact that

yes

i am FINALLY 8st!!!
(i discovered that this morning and o, you should have seen my smile)

the corset was fourteen pounds (simply divine price)
and i discovered some boots that i may buy for school.

and then i can't remember the exact place we went next, but-

alex bought:

1. two utterly-low-priced tops that suited her ever so,
2. a fan,
3. eyeliner,
4. chewing gumm

and i bought:

1. fabulous red corset,
2. a pink hedgehog toy that goes "squeak"
3. some delightful pink gingham material patterned with so-cute stars and moons
4. green and black striped armwarmers
5. long long string of fake-pearls
6. a hoody with black and white stripy arms, pixy hood and pockets, which you can see in the photograph (btw, don't look at my face, gay little midget girl charlotte has given me her flu so i'm ill)

also, we bought a whole tub of picnmix sweeties, and we got kinda sick, and i ended up splayed half naked on a bookshop staircase, trying not to throw up (i guess you could say, it was an interesting sight)

and, we went to milkshack. i totally was feeling so ill by this point even the thought of milkshakes made me want to collapse spluttering and retching, but i have a huyawge crush on the ginger boy who works there. goshh, he is beautiful. i think he knows, but, whatever.

then i met up with alice and helen, and we had a way cool hour(ish) together. we were in classix, where i was buying my hoody, and OMYSTARS the ginger boy from milkshack walked in, talking to a girl who works there about getting his tongue piereced. i was like "omy."

i'm still eating sweeties now, which is naughty. bet i've put on weight today. urgh.

hehe. this hedgehog is all squishy ^_^

i missed x factor again, goddamn.

oo, was jeans for genes day at school on friday. i wore my leopard print jeans, and people's reactions were hilarious. and candy and i almost sort-of communicated! progress - slow, slow progress. but still. i think about him a lot, you know. i wonder if he ever thinks of me.

but i can pretend it's ok, since i think i have fallen for that pretty boy in my class.
like, i can't stop staring at him (just totally overcome by: MY GOD, HOW CAN HE BE SO BEAUIFUL?)
and go red when he talks to me
and make sure my make up is impeccably before i have class with him.



have to come off the computer soon. chow.

china doll.

inside a cocoon of four hidden bandage walls, amongst gauze bedclothes, empty pockets, sellotaped windows, dust, old fashioned films, oriental love stories, smiths records, dead insects, stubbed out cigarettes, playing cards and photographs, china doll was writing her story.

a boy she knew suggested it, and she locked herself away until it was done. she smashed her phone and tore up badly spelt love letters. for the first week she missed his kisses so much she didn’t want to move into the sunlight, her hands shook and her eyes were two cherries set into her face. she wrote all night and pancake-tossed her body in bed in the day, ears ringing after she took out her max-volume headphones. she barely ate, just smoked, and lost half of her weight, but she’d been thinner.

china doll was not born a pancake girl with cherry eyes. in a hospital room of delicate shell babies she was an alien with string veins and bones shining through her skin and electric shock of bright white hair. with her limbs splayed like a starfish in her crib, nobody saw the fragility of this strange newborn, just her puce tainted tracing paper body and cotted hair, an ugly little monster baby with window skin.

she grew up beautiful, but not in a sunshine, high-cheeked way. if she was a doll, she was the one with only one glass eyeball in the back of a second hand shop; sometimes she felt like somebody had forgotten to finish her, to sandpaper her edges, paint her fabulous and take her chipped nail polish off. dangerous whisper girl, a tissue that could explode like a bomb.

every morning she would wake up with plug socket-coloured curls that would tangle into kitten balls around her face and shoulderblades during the day. her eyes sometimes made her wonder about how a tinned peach old woman could inspire a novel. she was as little as a child and very, very thin, like an icicle sculpture that could snap in tear stained arms. her lips were a dior painted broken-heart kiss too large for her face.

but for most of the life in her memory there was a broken heart inside her too, underneath the angel wings stretched tightly across the gaps between her ribs. somebody had ignored the writing on her chest (screaming black letters: FRAGILE, HANDLE WITH CARE) and let her go, sent her smashing against the ground. for a long time all that existed of the girl was a hollow shadow, and all that was left of her heart were sharp pieces of shattered china on a dirty bathroom floor.

chapter 3: "My Konstantine..."

"You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?
Did you know I missed you?"
-"Konstantine" Something Coroporate

You know, I am so BORED of prettiness.

Seriously. My art coursework is folds and distortion in skin and cloth, and it's so difficult to find magazine pictures of anybody with wrinkles or fat!

And I compared a picture of a perfect-skinned, young, slender model with an "ugly", fat, wrinkled woman in a painting, and I looked and looked and I thought, how boring the model is! Pretty skinny girls are tuppence a dozen, you see them everywhere with their drainpipe jeans and glittering ballet flats, all looking the same same same. They blend into one. Same face shape and features, same hair, same figure. They're not memorable, it's so boring and bland!

I don't think I want to be pretty if it's this boring. Bloodshot eyes and see through skin, ribcage jutting out, and just simply not being perfect...I don't mind it anymore. idonteverwanttobeperfect!!! I want there to be a story people see when they look at me, I just want to be remembered as more than Just Another Girl.

Music: "Konstantine" Something Corporate

chapter 2: Lovin' Callin' Feelin' Healin' Kissin' Again Darling!

"I Wanna Be Your Princess.
I Wanna Be Your Princess.
Tell Me My Prince, What Can I Do For You?(can I do for you?)

My breast starts beating fast. Standing before his room.
Sorta like homework, this is hard work!. "I'm not doing this," I say.
I want him so much I could explode, because just waiting is bad.
Getting out my courage. Knock-knock! It's tinsy tiny big chance.

How far have we come? The strategy at this point is NO GUARD!!
The word for this good feeling: Trump card? once in a lifetime, I'm semi-nude?
The bed is our island? With this lead? It's the Virgin road! [Bridal Aisle]
Is it early for me? And yet this time, I am!

Insight is the apple's boobytrap.
While eating the sweet forbidden fruit,
I can't help looking in the mirror - mirror.
And it shows me like an anime Snow White

A maiden's pride and a dream bride
Lovin' Callin' Feelin' Healin' Kissin' Again Darling!
Touch me secretly, I can't tremble anymore!
Morning, noon and night, I'm always going to be in love with you

I'm reaching out, world! I feel almost giddy!
Cryin' Smilin' Fallin' Flyin' Charmin' Wedding Heroine!
Reach out your arm, because I will hold it tight!
Morning, noon and night, I'm always going to hold you tight.

Let's become princesses! It's not like it's a difficult thing.
If you were born a girl, well after that it's semi-automatic.
It's not a system or anything, it seems your body is ready..
Everyone, "Born to be Bride!" So, let's become brides!

Take off and scatter your glass shoes!
Change from your dress into your pajamas.
Even after 12 hours, the magic won't be undone.
An overnight course of Cinderella

Blow off your indecision! Kiss up a storm!
Lovin' Callin' Feelin' Healin' Kissin' Again Darling!
You don't need an excuse anymore!
Morning, noon and night. Always going to love you!

I want you greedily, it's an important thing.
Cryin' Smilin' Fallin' Flyin' Charmin' Wedding Heroine!
Because without saying anything, I'm stretching myself.
Morning, noon and night, always put your mouth on mine.

I Wanna Be Your Princess.
I Wanna Be Your Princess.
Tell Me My Prince, What Can I Do For You?

I Wanna Be Your Princess.
I Wanna Be Your Princess.
Kiss Me My Prince, I Fall In Love With You.

A maiden's pride and a dream bride
Lovin' Callin' Feelin' Healin' Kissin' Again Darling!
Touch me secretly, I can't tremble anymore!
Morning, noon and night, I'm always going to be in love with you.

I'm reaching out, world! I feel almost giddy!
Cryin' Smilin' Fallin' Flyin' Charmin' Wedding Heroine!
Reach out your arm, becuase I will hold it tight.
Morning, noon and night, I'm always going to hold you tight."
- "Princess Bride", Kotoko (English translation)

Currently so obsessed with this song, I love the lyrics!! Well, I know the original lyrics are Japanese, I love them too, but I love what they mean in English...o, I'll shut my face now.

My hair's already gone shiiittte. grr!!

I was going to post those lyrics in a Myspazz bulletin, but I've changed my mind.

Wow, I really love these shoes:

They're really cool. I'm going to look in Office next time I'm shopping with Kumagoro for something similar.
I know, I know, ballet flats are so...cliche? But I don't care, because I really love those tartan shoes.

Gosh, I'm really borrrrred.
And I have some homework to do, like, but my computer is broken, so I'm using that as an excuse. The fact that my Daddy's computer, the one I'm on now, works, does NOT count.
I might do my art homework tho, cause I like art.

Art is pretty much my life.
I love: drawing, painting, writing.
I love: music and fashion and make up.

I'm doing my art coursework on: folds and distortion in cloth and in skin.
We were meant to do just one thing, but I simply couldn't make my mind up.
I'm currently printing out a fabulous photograph of a gorgeous model to use as part of my "work from other artists" section.
As if I want to do stuff about other artists. Who wants to learn about other people!!
That's pretty sarcastic.

I am selfish though. But so what!
For citizen, we have to write a report about an extra-curricular activity we've done, one that benefited the community or somebody else in some way.
Fuck it!! What the hell? The sort of things they suggest are like, a project to help new Year Sevens settle into their new school, or something else like that. I've never done anything like that in my LIFE!!!
Ohmygod, sometimes schoolwork is such a draaaaaaag.

But school can be fun, I get to see my gorgeous friends.
And, of course, the boy in my class who's too pretty for his own good, who I ju-st might have fallen for.
I would put his name, but I won't. I can't risk being sued.

Chowwwww.

chapter 1: Mascara On Your Carpet

Hi.

Once I heard a bunch of sixth formers talking, about how could mascara end up on her bedroom carpet? I was taking a science exam at the time, and I've never forgotten that, and that's what inspired the title.

I got my hair cut today. Layers, and a fringe. Looks good.

It's five minutes past eleven, and I would love a vanilla milkshake, like, now.
Proper wish I was a diva, and I'd just click my fingers and there it would be.

Hazard tape is pretty cool. I love the colour yellow. I am so bored of black!! I'm desperate for banana yellow flares and a matching cord blazer.

I also want boots and maybe some cute flat shoes.

I bought lipstick today, woo. £1.99. I'm so cheap. It makes me look like a cheap, cheap whore.