chapter 10:happy new year! or is it happy birthday? i can never remember...

resolutions:
appreciate myself
follow my dreams
keep smiling


"I'm a slow motion accident
Lost in coffee rings and fingerprints
I don't wanna feel anything but I do
And it all comes back to you,

so listen up the sun hasn't set
I refuse to believe that it's only me you're feelin
Just hear me out
I'm not over you yet..."
-"hear me out" frou frou

so fuck it, that's 2006, done and dusted.
and it's been one hell of a year.
guess i've finally grown up.

this year i learnt a lot of things.

this year i learnt the difference between dreams and reality
(and how much more i prefer the former:
who says i can't live on pluto, huh?)

this year i got hurt, really hurt, for the first time.

in december 2005 i fell for a boy.
and in may, he told me that he'd fallen for me too.

but.we.fucked.up.

and we fell out of love.
part of me, yeah, doesn't want to go into this, not now, because it's in the past.
but it's the most important thing that really happened this year, so i will.
he wouldn't let me tell anybody we were "going out".
he never touched me, never held my hand or kissed me.
by the end of the second week, he was close enough to ignoring me completely.
but it took him another three weeks to actually chuck me.
a girl i know told me he cheated on me.

we didn't talk for a long long while.
then finally i asked him, yknow, could we put it behind us and be friends again?
and he said yeah.
we have spoken since but not much.
the atmosphere's still kinda...tense.
i expect things will be ok.

but if it's not, it doesn't matter.
as a certain irish tranny
(who's taught me a lot)
once said,
"you're putting yourself in for plenty of disappointment if you expect people to hang around for very long in this life!"
things change.
candy cut his hair,
and i'm not that same sad shy girl who hated herself.
people change.

another thing i've learnt this year is,
i'm really not so bad!!
i don't think i'm ugly
i don't think i'm fat
in fact, i think i'm pretty fabulous!
you only get the body you're born with
the soul you're born with
yeah, you can change it, but you're still you
so you'd better make the most of it!!

said irish tranny also taught me that you shouldn't take life so seriously.
i want to have fun
i want to make the most of life
and i want to do what i want.
it's not up to my parents to decide what i'm going to take in sixth form, in college.
if i fuck up then i fuck up,
and i'll sort myself out.

i hope i'm never perfect.
perfect is boring.
it's the imperfections that make a person interesting.
even the most beautiful thing in the world needs a smear of ugliness,
otherwise it would just make you gag.

i don't want to be another background character.

true love doesn't matter to me anymore.

i love my family and friends,
but i'm very happy to be on my own.
there's a difference between "loneliness" and "aloneness".

i learnt the single most important thing this year.
always, always ALWAYS be true to yourself.

other people mean nothing,
their opinions meant NOWT.
appreciate yourself for who you are
dress how you want
do your make up how you want
it's the greatest way to be!
if you're a boy and you feel like putting on lipstick,
if you want to wear fairy lights in your hair,
if you want to wear bright orange platforms,
well do it!
people might not like it, but they're not you.

words like "freak" and "ugly" mean nothing to me, not anymore.
i don't need anybody else to like the way i look or think i'm beautiful.
i think i'm beautiful.
i'm totally comfortable within myself.

i am totally happy. :)