i feel confused.
like all the thoughts are whirring
round and round my head
like raspberry ripple icecream.
(the stuff in adverts, at least:
because when you get it home, it's shit)
right,
there's this boy at school
who i likenotlike.
and it's well confusing.
i'm sure that in the past, i've promised myself,
never again! will some silly boy or girl mess me up,
but what can i say, fools never learn!!
well, let's get started,
and try to sort out some of these thoughts.
this boy is in several of my lessons,
and i sit near him and we talk a lot during one.
and i feel like i've sort of fallen for him
and it seems weird!
because i don't know if i actually do like him.
because, i think of him a lot,
but it's not in a romantic way at all.
the thought of being even the vaguest bit romantic with him,
well, it's just plain weird to even thinkit.
i definitely don't feel the way i ever felt for
the boy-who's-too-pretty-for-his-own-good,
and can't even be compared to the way i ever
felt about candy.
and perhaps that has something to do with it.
because the boy-who's-too-pretty has been a total dick to me lately,
and i know that candy and i will just never happen, never work.
it seems weird to not fancy anybody,
and sometimes i've felt so cold that i could just curl up and eat through my ribs
into my heart, because it wasn't needed anymore,
and being miserable just makes me hungry.
so it could well be that i've just fallen for anybody who's even remotely friendly to me.
just to fill that void.
i mean, i was even confused about how i felt about connerchameleon a few weeks ago,
but that's another story for another time.
and idk.
and it could be that, i don't actually feel anything for him,
but i'm just worried that i do, so that makes me feel like i actually do.
it's weird to explain, but i know what i mean, and it's not the first time it's happened.
and i also have a vague worry that the reason i don't want to accept if i do like him
is based purely on shallow reasons.
i mean, it seems ridiculous because i don't think i'm a shallow person.
looks have never meant anything to me.
the person i've cared most about,
i mean, do not get me wrong, people, he certainly wasn't ugly and i would NEVER have described him as so, but he wasn't my usual type. i usually fancied boys purely based on physical attractiveness never mind their personalities. but then, that could have been because i'd never been close enough to a boy before candy to fall for their personality.
excuse me for going off on a tangent
(i love that word)
and i'd try to get back on the tracks, but i don't know what to say these days.
but idk.
i'll have to see how it goes.
i imagine i'll work out if i like him or not as time passes.
thing is, i wanted to talk about my confusion,
so i tried talking to girl-alex,
but we couldn't talk properly because she just found it hilarious.
i made her swear not to tell anyone,
but it didn't stop her from shouting out in the middle of the form room,
"oh, there's this guy rhiannon fancies, i want to tell you who it is but i'm not allowed!"
so i've had EVERYBODY on my case, asking me who it is!!
i didn't want to tell anybody else about it because i don't want too many people knowing,
because then it'll get out and around and FFS i don't want anybody to know!!
so boobs would have felt hurt if i hadn't told her who it was, so i felt obliged to tell her.
she refused to talk to me if i didn't.
and i begged her not to take the piss, then told her.
she started wetting herself with laughter,
and now refers to me as
"rhiannon **coughfancies-thisboy'sname-**"
grr,
i rather wish i'd told conner now,
because at least he knows when to keep his mouth shut.
No comments:
Post a Comment